2nd January 2017 – my annual day of goal setting and reflection.
Both activities are powerful; refection gives you perspective and gratitude whilst goal setting provides focus and much needed motivation for the year ahead.
A new year; another 365 days to create a new and improved story.
2016-2017 goal setting was distinctively more positive than the previous year. 2015 ended on a low, as such 2016 started on an uphill struggle.
You see, at the end of November 2015, I was told that although I had been supported for promotion, I wasn’t successful.
Holding back tears with the horrible lump in my I throat, I said to my Career Counsellor:
“ok, thanks for letting me know”
I put the phone down and I cried. I cried hard. I had deliberately held back any tears on the phone because I wanted to appear ‘strong’ or ‘un-phased’… but sometimes being strong is acknowledging how you feel and dealing with it.
Stop keeping up appearances – it’s not worth it
And at that moment, the emotions came flooding out. It was a disappointed cry; the type of cry where you’re like ‘why am I crying’ but you can’t stop crying, then you become further frustrated with yourself because you are still crying.
Then you’re like ‘ARGHHH . Teeth gritted. Hands clenched.
23rd November 2015 was not a good day.
The previous 11 months, I had worked my ass off. Crazy hours, (though productive) harsh feedback and personal promise to challenge myself in every area of my role. I was exhausted.
For me, this missed promotion represented a significant professional and personal failure.
“Hi, I’m Melissa and I’m Superwoman a failure.
I moped around my house. My confidence was hit. I was angry. I felt humiliated and if I’m honest there was a little resentment mixed up in there too.
I’m a failure. Superwoman who? Nope. Superwoman doesn’t miss promotion.
Side note: I felt very strongly about sharing this. We all talk so freely about our highlights – we go on Facebook/Instagram and boast about how great life is. We speak about our achievements – like it happened over night and failing first never happened. It’s annoying, not to mention a damn right lie.
Well…
No-one ever succeeded without failing first. Fact.
So after all the tears, you’re probably thinking what next? Did I quit?
Well, you may remember the post I wrote about how I met my amazing mentor – well she’s still around, offering invaluable advice and guidance.
The conversation was short and sweet.
Mel: Hi Marwa, I am really upset, I missed promotion. They have said its likely for next time which is another 6 months but I don’t feel valued and they don’t deserve me. (I was super emotional… if you haven’t guessed already)
Marwa: Hey Mel, sorry to hear this, it’s always hard missing promotion – we have ALL been there. One question before you make this dramatic decision.
Mel: Sure, go on
Marwa: Are you still learning?
Mel: Yes, I am, BUT…
Marwa (interjects) : No buts. If you’re still learning, you’re still growing, and this company is absolutely the best place for you.
You only quit when you stop learning. If you haven’t stopped learning, then you continue. You continue with the utmost commitment and integrity.
1. Accept it.
Just imagine, you had built yourself up for this moment. You had browsed the Prada website to pinpoint your promotion gift to yourself. You’d searched Zoopla for a flat to buy with your new salary increase. You planned even more holidays – because you deserved it.
But I didn’t get it… and I had to be reminded this is was no pity party. Thank you Doreen. (See text message)
And so, my advice is to allow yourself to feel these emotions (in private). There is something very dangerous about unchecked emotions. Do not let them consume you to the point that you act irrationally. You do not want to make a bad decision based on a temporary emotion.
Cry if you want or sit in silence if that feels better.
Go out with friends – let your hair down but I implore you to please deal with these emotions. And when you do, deal with them positively.
It’s ok to not be ok but it’s not ok to quit.
You are a potential Leader. Leaders are resilient – they cry sometimes and this doesn’t make them weak – instead they pick themselves up, dust their shoulders off and they continue. They keep going.
Be open to recognising your own faults, so you can grow as both a leader and a human being.
Do some self-reflection. The best leaders are self-aware and use this to lead others.
He who knows others is wise; he who knows himself is enlightened ~ Lao Tzu
2. Be ok with failure.
Unfortunately, it is a part of life. Whether we like it or not, we will all experience failure at some point in our lives. The more successful you get, the more it’s going to happen and the more it hurts. But the more it happens, the quicker you get over it. So, get used to it.
Remember:
In order to succeed, you need to be willing to fail.
- It happens
- You get over it
- It builds character, perseverance and integrity
- It doesn’t define you
- Its only temporary providing you don’t quit
- And you better not quit
- Because Superwoman is not a quitter (neither are you)
The truth is; the promotion – a career level jump was a big step outside of my comfort zone. I’d go from a big fish in a little pond to a little fish in a big pond. Quite frankly, there was always a risk of failure.
Do I regret going for it? No.
Have I learnt? Yes.
Did I get over it? Yes.
Take risks – you might fail but you might not and if you don’t, well it could be the best thing you ever did.
3. Gain Perspective
I’m quitting.
*ALERT* knee jerk reaction in progress
I clearly wasn’t valued and to wait another 6 months for the next promotion round was too long and would impact my life goals severely.
*Cue the Drama Queen*
Sometimes we get so caught up in the goal, that we forget the journey is equally as important
We forget that in order to even get to our target destination there is an incredible amount of work, growth, perseverance and mini achievements along the way. Just because I was not promoted in December 2015 did not mean that suddenly the professional growth I’d experienced was reduced to nothing.
It does not mean that my competencies that I’d worked so hard for were suddenly not good enough or diminished. It may have meant that I had a little more growing to do, but that’s it.
That is it and that’s ok.
It also didn’t mean that opportunities would suddenly stop coming my way. You will remember a post I did on my travel to India – an opportunity like no other.
I learnt that my professional competency cannot be reduced to a title or one level; there are many levels in between.
Take time to appreciate your mini-achievements – cumulatively these create the big achievement.
In my case – the promotion.
A missed promotion was simply a stumbling block. I continued. I didn’t quit.
I aspire to be a great leader – one that is authentic in my actions, one that possesses great integrity and character. Missing promotion in December 2015 was needed for this. It tested not only my leadership style when things didn’t go my way but actually who I was as a person. Would I quit? Would I lash out? Would I decide everyone was against me? Would I suddenly stop doing great work?
No.
I still had a team to lead, I still had a (large) project to deliver. It tested my ability to understand and appreciate the bigger picture.
Most importantly, it tested my ability to deal with failure.
To my horror – it’s not just about me.
Failure was quite possibly the biggest and best lesson, because where Superwoman is going, there will be a lot more failures along the way. And at least now I know that the feeling of failure is temporary.
You are only defined as a failure if you quit. Just keep going.
I was promoted in June 2016 and 6 months later; this is how my 2016 ended:
Until next time,
A More Mature Superwoman
Mel x
ed Mark Zuckerberg (Facebook), Larry Summers mentored Sheryl Sandberg (Facebook COO and Creator of Lean In), and Jaz- O mentored Jay-Z (Hip-hop Millionaire Mogul and Entrepreneur)
Melissa Owusu 
